A Glimpse into My Playlist

Maybe it’s just because I’m a musician, but every time I am feeling like the world is crashing down here in Guatemala, one of the songs on my worship playlist speaks to me, as if it were written just to express my feelings or to remind me of a truth I need to meditate on. Yesterday I was sitting on my bed, stuck at home in the dark and the rain, feeling a little homesick and a lot restless, and the first song that came up on my randomly shuffled playlist was “Your Grace Is Enough.” I started thinking about how I am not choosing to let God satisfy me right now. I desire earthly things, thinking they will bring the fulfillment I am seeking. I need to be spending more time with God as my sustenance. A little conviction can go a long way… Then came “Everlasting God,” and I was reminded that my strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord. What it means to wait upon the Lord is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. I think part of waiting upon the Lord is recognizing and claiming that God desires to make all things work together for me for good – even 6 weeks of Spanish school in Guatemala. Even when I can’t see or understand what God is doing, if I wait on Him, He will reveal His purposes and strengthen me. The third song that played was “Alábale,” a Spanish worship song I learned at SPLICE. I was so encouraged by this song – it helped me (as it does every time I hear it) to remember what God has done for me. The Israelites were commanded over and over to write down the good things God had done for them and to teach their children about God’s faithfulness. Never once were they commanded to remember the misfortunes they experienced. This was also a practice we began at SPLICE, writing down a few moments of joy and a few things we were thankful for every day. As I listened to, “Alábale,” I was struck with how much God has indeed done for me! He has provided me the ability to learn a new language easily, a beautiful city in which to study, a teacher and a host family I get along with well, the funds to serve in the Dominican Republic, a group of friends waiting for me to get there, fellow Kids Alive missionaries to discover Guatemala with, and soooooo much more. So much. Changing my frame of mind from self-pity to thankfulness has been a critical piece of adapting to life in Antigua. I will survive these next 5 weeks, and my prayer is that God helps me to enjoy my studies and my homestay more and more each day. And when I wonder what in the world I am doing, when I wish I were home watching the Phillies or relaxing with my parents, when I feel trapped as a single woman in a city that gets dark at 6 pm, when I am positive I can’t memorize another verbal clause or write another sentence using the imperative tense, I will proclaim that God has been good to me. I will set up my Ebenezers, my stones of remembrance, declaring that God has done mighty things for me, that He was here first and that He continues to go before me. ¡Alábale!

¿Qué El te ha dado a ti? What has He given you?
¡Alábale! Praise Him!
¿Que El ha sido para ti? What has He been for you?
¡Alábale! Praise Him!
¿Qué El ha hecho por ti? What has he done for you?
¡Alábale! Praise Him!
¿Qué El te ha dicho a ti? What has He said to you?
¡Alábale! Praise Him!
¡Alábale! Levanta tus manos, tu voz también Praise Him! Lift your hands, your voice too
Jehová habita las alabanzas de su pueblo. Jehovah inhabits the praises of His people.
¡Alábale! Con toda tu alma y todo tu ser Praise Him! With all your soul and all your being
Jehová habita las alabanzas de su pueblo. Jehovah inhabits the praises of His people.
Eres Santo, Eres Digno You are Holy, You are Worthy
Tú mereces todo, Dios You deserve everthing, God

Ok, one last song. “Big Enough” (Chris Rice). My emotions are a roller coaster; some days, some hours, are great, and some are miserable (paradox…). Some days it’s easy to live the questions, and some days I just want answers. “I imagine the size of the universe, and I wonder what’s out past the edges. And I discover inside me a space as big, and believe that I’m meant to be filled up with more than just questions.” This is how I feel a good portion of the time. I am filled up with questions, and I do believe God will reveal the answers to me in His time, but patience is hard! As this song also says, I am not big enough to find my own answers or solve my own problems, but God is big enough to hold all my questions and problems and doubts in His hands even as He holds me. God doesn’t have to let go of me to hold my questions. There is room for all of me, my secure beliefs and my insecurities, to exist together in God. ¡Alábale!

El Volcán Pacaya

To celebrate surviving our first week of Spanish school, Brian and I decided to climb el Volcán Pacaya on Saturday. Guatemala has 33 volcanos, of which 3 are active, of which one is Pacaya. An active volcano. What better way to spend a Saturday morning? It’s safe to go to because (we were told, anyway!) there are so many outlets under the volcano for the lava that it won’t erupt upward. We hopped into a van at 6:00 am ready for an adventure and drove a little over an hour to the national park where Pacaya is located. Our group of 14 people and one guide began to climb the mountain through a forest. We pretty much went straight up a volcano for an hour and a quarter! Some men followed us on horseback, ready to rent the horses to us if we got tired. After about a mile and a half, we emerged from the forest, and in front of us was the volcano. Think Mordor from Lord of the Rings. Also think GIANT sand dune but made of volcanic ash. After we crossed the ash, we got to the hardened lava. Hardened lava is sharp and a little tricky to walk on! The reason for going, of course, was to see the molten lava, and there was plenty of it! We saw lava falling (literally) down the side of the volcano, we stood unknowingly on top of a thin layer of hardened lava with molten lava underneath it (until we felt it through our shoes and quickly stepped off!), we saw glowing crevices, and we saw rivers of thick, flowing, orange lava. They don’t have rules like we have in our national parks, so we were only 5 or 6 feet from these huge rivers of lava. It was hot – our guide roasted marshmallows over the lava! After walking around and admiring the lava for a while, we hiked back down the mountain and arrived back in Antigua by lunch.

I spent that entire morning in awe of creation. Every time we stopped at a scenic overlook and looked out over the villages to the other volcanos or looked out over the plains to see the Pacific Ocean or looked up and saw only volcano, all we could say was “Wow,” and the other person would respond, “Yep.” God is so awesome and great. I am amazed that He made this incredible earth, that He made entire mountains out of slow-flowing lava. Standing there when we first came out of the forest, looking at the volcano in front of us, was one of those moments when I was overwhelmed by my smallness and God’s greatness. It was like standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon. If we remain silent, the rocks really will cry out.

ps - I would post pictures, but my camera card isn't working right now... sorry!

Spanish Class, Guatemalan Host Family, and American Church

Brian and I were talking about people who never update their blogs and then put up 4 or 5 posts in one day, and I said I wouldn't do that. Well, I lied. I'm putting up several (sort of long) posts today for your reading pleasure!

I have been studying a lot of Spanish. I took my first test yesterday and passed from Grade E to Grade F. The school goes through Grade G, so I am on track to finish all the workbooks and then some in the next 5 weeks... My tutor, Gladis, is wonderful and does all sorts of things with me to keep the 6 hours a day interesting. Every day we check the newspaper to see if the Phillies won, study lots of grammar, read short stories, translate paragraphs from English to Spanish, and read articles from the Spanish version of Today’s Christian Women. We also try to do the newspaper crosswords, which is a humbling experience for me. I don’t have the vocabulary to do Spanish crosswords. Neither does my teacher, so we sit with a big Spanish dictionary, my little Spanish-English dictionary, and spend an hour completing a third of the crossword! We also play Scrabble, which I can do in Spanish (Thanks, Molls, for playing so much Spanish Quiddler with me!). Some days we take little trips to the cross up the hill, to a museum, or to some ruins. There are ruins on every block here because there was a big earthquake a few hundred years ago. I have homework every night too, worksheets or compositions or translations.

I am living with the Morales family here in Antigua, close to school and to the central park. I live with my host mom and dad, two sisters (18 and 15), one brother (19), aunt, and grandfather. We also have a cat, Llemu (since nothing is upholstered, my allergies are fine), and a turtle, Manuela, who has free range of the house. I haven’t seen her yet, but I’ve been told she lives under my brother’s bed! We eat dinner together every night, which is the true test of my Spanish because everyone speaks quickly and in short phrases and at the same time – sounds like an American dinner table, doesn’t it!

I went to two church services this week. The first, which I will go to every Thursday night, is the weekly YWAM service. It is completely in English and will be a good opportunity for fellowship. Then on Sunday we went to Iglesia El Camino, a bilingual church. Bilingual listening and reading is good for learning a language because you see both languages at the same time and immediately hear translations. The church was almost all Americans, which was a little strange, but it has been really refreshing to have some time to hear English and worship God with other believers. You don’t realize how hard you’re thinking to understand your second language until you’re listening to your first language and realize how easy it is! My Spanish is definitely getting better, though. My host mom tells me that my Spanish is “Super bien!” Still, English is my heart language, so going to worship services in English has been good.

arriving

I made it to Antigua! It's a beautiful old town with ruins and volcanoes and gorgeous flowers. My host family, the Morales family, lives 2 blocks from language school and 4 blocks from Central Park. Today I survived my first day of language school - 6 hours of reviewing Spanish grammar. A lot of it is coming back to me, which is good, but I wish I remembered more. My tutor Gladis is wonderful! September 15 is Guatemalan Independence Day, so there are a ton of extra people in Antigua, marimba concerts in the park, vendors everywhere. Also, a tradition is that on the 14th, everyone runs (seems to be at least a few miles) with a torch to their neighborhood or city or school. I haven't figured out why yet, but it seems a little Paul Revere-esque to me! It's a really fun time to explore Antigua, though, with so much going on.

I am excited for these next 6 weeks. I'm excited for new friendships, for better Spanish, for feeling comfortable in a new place, and for the end when I get to be reunited with my friends in the Dominican Republic! I am also a little nervous, of course. I haven't been placed in a specific level of Spanish yet because I made mistakes on my placement test in almost every level, so I'm a little nervous for when I do get placed in a level that it won't be right. I won't be placed until next week, though, so that's a far-off concern. Only having one Kids Alive friend in Antigua right now is a little rough too, but the prospect of meeting two more within the next week is exciting!

As a typical Jamison, I was very excited to discover that there are multiple ice cream shops (and coffee shops) on every block here! I will maybe report back with the best one in a few weeks... ha.

Please keep praying for me, for my transition, for my brain to function and my heart to be patient while I am studying. Pray that I will become a part of my host family quickly.

Thank you for embarking on this adventure with me! It is wonderful and encouraging to think about all the people at home and around the world who are praying for me!

ps - One of the things I will miss the most about life in the US, I discovered these past 2 weeks, is fall. So if you feel so inclined, I would love to get pictures of fall, leaf rubbings, pretty leaves ironed in wax paper, anything fall related! I will get to the DR October 24 so you can send letters/whatever as early as mid-October. Please no packages as I have to pay for them, but letters can be sent to my address on the sidebar using normal US postage!

An answering and refusing

One of my favorite prayer books is by Walter Brueggemann, "Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth." (My Concert Choir buddies are probably laughing right now thinking about how many of his prayers I used for devos last year...!) I have been reading and rereading one of the prayers about God calling us and the paradox (they're everywhere!) of our answering.

We confess you to be the God who calls,
who wills,
who summons,
who has concrete intentions
for your creation,
and addresses human agents
who do your will.
We imagine ourselves called by you...
Yet a strange lot:
called but cowardly;
obedient but self-indulgent,
devoted to you, but otherwise preoccupied.
In our strange mix an answering and refusing,
We give thanks for your call.
We pray this day,
for ourselves, fresh vision;
for our friends, great courages,
for those who search for you
in places more dangerous than ours,
deep freedom.
As we seek to answer your call, may we be haunted
by your large purposes,
We pray in the name of the utterly called Jesus. Amen.

Colorado

I spent the past three weeks at Mission Training International's SPLICE program in Colorado. A few days after returning, I still struggle to adequately sum up my experience there. I learned about God, about myself, and about entering and adapting to a new culture and the stressors it brings. I meditated on the truths that God is God, God is good, and God is faithful. I learned that insulating myself, not allowing myself to feel the pain of life, also means I won't feel the joy of life. I learned to talk about my life and my feelings as a "pair of ducks" (paradox) - a "yay" duck and a "yuck" duck. It is normal to feel extreme joys and extreme sorrows simultaneously, and both are truth. I practiced remembering my joys and thanking God. I spent time outside hiking, playing with kids, and roasting s'mores. I made amazing, lifelong friends who are preparing to go all over the world to serve God, friends who challenged me, loved me, encouraged me, and made me feel normal! What a blessing it was to spend three weeks with fellow missionaries who understand the joys and struggles of this life! I found a roommate for my time in the DR - God provides! I feel refreshed, uplifted, and equipped to begin life in the Dominican Republic. I can't imagine being on this journey without the training SPLICE provides.

On "The Rock" with my wonderful Growth Group!

I am at home in Quakertown until September 12th, when I leave for language school in Guatemala. I will be in Guatemala for 6 weeks and go straight to the DR October 24. Language school at the Christian Spanish Academy is 6 hours of one-on-one tutoring, 5 days a week. I will live with a Guatemalan host family. Two other Kids Alive missionaries will be there at the same time, so hopefully we can explore the country together a little!

Please keep praying for me in this time of transition. Praise be to God, who gives us all that we need and loves us abundantly!

New Friends, New Songs, Same God

I have (finally!) started my journey toward the Dominican Republic! I am in Colorado until August 21 at MTI, learning about myself, about God, and about leaving my culture to enter another. I see over and over the ways that God has provided and continues to provide for me and for the other people here at MTI as we all are raising support and preparing for a new life.

A big blessing and surprise was that most of the staff of Makarios International, another Christian nonprofit that works in Montellano, is here at MTI with me! I get to make 10 new friends that will become my neighbors and friends and support structure in the DR - praise God! That is a great reminder that God really does go before me and prepare the way for me.

This summer has not been the easiest for my family. Well, that's sort of an understatement - it has been rough. I have been meditating on a passage of Scripture the past few weeks that has become a rock and an inspiration for me - Habakkuk 3:17-19:

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights."

Wow. Habakkuk was in a really terrible place, everything was going wrong, and still he said YET I will REJOICE in the Lord. This has been my prayer, that I will choose to rejoice in the Lord despite the hardships in my life.

Last night I was feeling a little overwhelmed by life, and one of my new friends noticed and asked me how I was doing. After listening to me vent a little, she told me she had a song for me to hear, and she played it for me. This new song is one of those songs you listen to and cling to when everything in your world is changing and upside down and confusing and - oh wait, sounds like I'm talking about getting ready to be a missionary! I know this post is a little long already, but I really want to share the lyrics with you:

I Have to Believe by Rita Springer

I have to believe that He sees my darkness
I have to believe that He knows my pain
I have to lift up my hands to worship
Worship His name

I have to declare that He is my refuge
I have to deny that I am alone
I have to lift up my eyes to the mountains
It's where my help comes from

He said that He's forever faithful
He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
And if He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move Your mountain too

I have to stand tall when the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong when I'm weak and afraid
I have to grab hold, hold of the garments
Garments of praise

I have to sing praise when the hour is midnight
He unlocks the chains that bind up my soul
My sin and my shame, He has forgiven, and made me whole

I have to believe