An answering and refusing

One of my favorite prayer books is by Walter Brueggemann, "Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth." (My Concert Choir buddies are probably laughing right now thinking about how many of his prayers I used for devos last year...!) I have been reading and rereading one of the prayers about God calling us and the paradox (they're everywhere!) of our answering.

We confess you to be the God who calls,
who wills,
who summons,
who has concrete intentions
for your creation,
and addresses human agents
who do your will.
We imagine ourselves called by you...
Yet a strange lot:
called but cowardly;
obedient but self-indulgent,
devoted to you, but otherwise preoccupied.
In our strange mix an answering and refusing,
We give thanks for your call.
We pray this day,
for ourselves, fresh vision;
for our friends, great courages,
for those who search for you
in places more dangerous than ours,
deep freedom.
As we seek to answer your call, may we be haunted
by your large purposes,
We pray in the name of the utterly called Jesus. Amen.

Colorado

I spent the past three weeks at Mission Training International's SPLICE program in Colorado. A few days after returning, I still struggle to adequately sum up my experience there. I learned about God, about myself, and about entering and adapting to a new culture and the stressors it brings. I meditated on the truths that God is God, God is good, and God is faithful. I learned that insulating myself, not allowing myself to feel the pain of life, also means I won't feel the joy of life. I learned to talk about my life and my feelings as a "pair of ducks" (paradox) - a "yay" duck and a "yuck" duck. It is normal to feel extreme joys and extreme sorrows simultaneously, and both are truth. I practiced remembering my joys and thanking God. I spent time outside hiking, playing with kids, and roasting s'mores. I made amazing, lifelong friends who are preparing to go all over the world to serve God, friends who challenged me, loved me, encouraged me, and made me feel normal! What a blessing it was to spend three weeks with fellow missionaries who understand the joys and struggles of this life! I found a roommate for my time in the DR - God provides! I feel refreshed, uplifted, and equipped to begin life in the Dominican Republic. I can't imagine being on this journey without the training SPLICE provides.

On "The Rock" with my wonderful Growth Group!

I am at home in Quakertown until September 12th, when I leave for language school in Guatemala. I will be in Guatemala for 6 weeks and go straight to the DR October 24. Language school at the Christian Spanish Academy is 6 hours of one-on-one tutoring, 5 days a week. I will live with a Guatemalan host family. Two other Kids Alive missionaries will be there at the same time, so hopefully we can explore the country together a little!

Please keep praying for me in this time of transition. Praise be to God, who gives us all that we need and loves us abundantly!

New Friends, New Songs, Same God

I have (finally!) started my journey toward the Dominican Republic! I am in Colorado until August 21 at MTI, learning about myself, about God, and about leaving my culture to enter another. I see over and over the ways that God has provided and continues to provide for me and for the other people here at MTI as we all are raising support and preparing for a new life.

A big blessing and surprise was that most of the staff of Makarios International, another Christian nonprofit that works in Montellano, is here at MTI with me! I get to make 10 new friends that will become my neighbors and friends and support structure in the DR - praise God! That is a great reminder that God really does go before me and prepare the way for me.

This summer has not been the easiest for my family. Well, that's sort of an understatement - it has been rough. I have been meditating on a passage of Scripture the past few weeks that has become a rock and an inspiration for me - Habakkuk 3:17-19:

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights."

Wow. Habakkuk was in a really terrible place, everything was going wrong, and still he said YET I will REJOICE in the Lord. This has been my prayer, that I will choose to rejoice in the Lord despite the hardships in my life.

Last night I was feeling a little overwhelmed by life, and one of my new friends noticed and asked me how I was doing. After listening to me vent a little, she told me she had a song for me to hear, and she played it for me. This new song is one of those songs you listen to and cling to when everything in your world is changing and upside down and confusing and - oh wait, sounds like I'm talking about getting ready to be a missionary! I know this post is a little long already, but I really want to share the lyrics with you:

I Have to Believe by Rita Springer

I have to believe that He sees my darkness
I have to believe that He knows my pain
I have to lift up my hands to worship
Worship His name

I have to declare that He is my refuge
I have to deny that I am alone
I have to lift up my eyes to the mountains
It's where my help comes from

He said that He's forever faithful
He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
And if He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move Your mountain too

I have to stand tall when the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong when I'm weak and afraid
I have to grab hold, hold of the garments
Garments of praise

I have to sing praise when the hour is midnight
He unlocks the chains that bind up my soul
My sin and my shame, He has forgiven, and made me whole

I have to believe

Kids Alive's New Website

Kids Alive has launched their new website! Check it out at www.kidsalive.org.

You can also click here to go directly to the Dominican Republic page, where you can read about the different Kids Alive sites and click on my name to ... ta-da! ... support me online!

Speaking of which... my support is coming in slowly. I am trying to learn patience and trust, but a lot of the time I just want to skip to the part where I get to be in Caraballo already! I know that what I am going through now is an important step in my ministry and in my spiritual development, so I pray and wait and take care of things that must be done in the States. Please pray that my support will come in and that I will wait on God's timing.

Another step closer

I am officially registered and have my plane ticket for Mission Training International in Colorado August 3-21! I will be in their SPLICE program - here is a little excerpt from their website describing the program:

SPLICE’s three-week, pre-departure program is designed to help you–and your family–develop the practical skills and attitudes that will successfully take you through the challenging and rewarding process of being interwoven with another culture.

SPLICE focuses on your skill and character development in six vital areas:

Spiritual
Personal
Lifestyle
Interpersonal
Cultural
Endure/Enjoy

Moving from one culture to another, with all of the accompanying value differences, is similar to the process of splicing together the strands of two pieces of rope. Splices are never invisible, but, as any sailor knows, the completed splice becomes the strongest part of the rope.

I am so excited about this new step toward getting to the DR! You can check out MTI's website at www.mti.org.

A Long Overdue Update

So. I have not written in nearly two months. I would like to use the excuse that I have been too busy, but since graduation on May 10, I haven't done much! I have enjoyed spending time with my family, reading some good books (most recently, "Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's", by John Robison), and getting ready for Katy's wedding. I also reorganized and cleaned (almost) my bedroom, packing up things I won't need for a while, like sweaters, scarves, and school supplies - instead of a Hope Chest, I have a Hope Rubbermaid! Molly graduates from high school on June 15, and June 17 I leave for a wonderful week in Wheaton spending time with friends and celebrating the marriages of two of my best friends.

I am discovering the difficulties of long-distance relationships. So far, I haven't come up with too many benefits except realizing how much people mean to me and how hard it is not to do life with my close friends every day... This summer will hopefully give me time to figure out long-distance communication, though, and it eases us into my time in the DR - for a few more months, I am still accessible by normal phones, have internet all the time, and can buy a plane ticket to visit people for $150 instead of $600...

I only have two numbers for you this time:

8 weeks from Sunday I leave for missionary training in Colorado
I have raised 60% of my total support - 80% of the one-time costs and 55% of the monthly costs

I will go to Colorado (I think) regardless of what my support status is at that time, but I can't buy a plane ticket to Guatemala for language school until I have 90% of my support. My goal right now is to leave for Guatemala on September 5.

Please continue to pray for me. First, you can pray for my time of preparation this summer. I need to think seriously about logistics like banking and packing, but I also need to spend time preparing spiritually and emotionally, which I sometimes forget. Second, you can pray that the rest of my support comes in (and if you haven't yet, you can support me...) and that I will trust God in this situation. Third, you can pray for my relationships with my friends from Wheaton, that we would learn how to keep them strong and growing in this time of being apart. Finally, as strange as it may sound, pray that I will keep myself involved in music-making, both classical and nonclassical, this summer and when I move to the DR. I do not want to lose that part of me.

Something I have discovered about myself this summer is that I do not often pray using my own words. I love using prayer books, praying Psalms, and using worship songs as prayer, but I seldom actually talk with God. This also means I don't always do much listening. I am trying to change that, to talk to God like I talk to people, and to sit and listen more. At the recommendation of a friend, I am reading Madeleine L'Engle's "Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art," and I was struck by what she wrote about praying:

"Before I can listen to God in prayer, I must fumble through the prayers of words, of willful demands, the prayers of childish 'Gimmes,' of 'Help mes,' of 'I want....' Until I tell God what I want, I have no way of knowing whether or not I truly want it. Unless I ask God for something, I do not know whether or not it is something for which I ought to ask, and I cannot add, 'But if this is not your will for me, then your will is what I want, not mine.' The prayers of words cannot be eliminated. And I must pray them daily, whether I feel like praying or not. Otherwise, when God has something to say to me, I will not know how to listen."

This post has been a little jumbled - I apologize, but in a way it reflects my life right now. I am in a strange waiting period, not only for myself but also for my family, as Molly leaves for a year in the DR July 18 and Katy starts grad school in August. Without a structured schedule, my days and time get a little jumbled too.

Spring is here!

My last Chicago winter is finally over! The sun is shining, the trees and flowers are blooming, and everyone is out on the quad in flip flops... I think I will miss seasons these next two years - rainy and dry aren't real seasons.

It has been a whirlwind month here at school between classes, recitals, concerts, and a hilarious musical called The Boy Friend. We are beginning to realize how little time we have left and trying to make the most of it. (Which usually means not doing homework...!) Three weeks from tomorrow is Commencement. Wow. Wow. Here are some other numbers I have been thinking about lately:

15 weeks until my projected departure date
21 families and individuals who are supporting me
$1400 of one-time costs raised (15%)
$540/month of monthly costs raised (45%)

These last two, my support numbers, are amazing to me. Kids Alive wants me to be at 50% by graduation, and even three weeks ago I was pretty sure I wasn't going to make it. But I am humbled and reminded that God is faithful.

One of my friends gave a devotional in choir last week about Ecclesiastes. She is a senior as well, and she talked about sometimes feeling like what we do here is meaningless - it resonated with me. Then she read Ecclesiastes 3:11:

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

In its time. Right now, after months of waiting for spring, I understand that, but I'm not sure I always like it. I tend to want God to make things beautiful in my time, not his. The second sentence is what hit me, though, "He has also set eternity in the hearts of men." Maybe the reason we sometimes feel like our work is meaningless is that we long so desperately for eternity and for the things of God - the desires he has put in our hearts. Food for thought.